Last night I watched Kill Bill for the first time.
Now if you know me, this will probably surprise you. I’m a film nerd, aficionado, I’m always working my way through various lists, I watch the movie, and then the movie with commentary and then every subsequent special feature. I also love a good vengeance film.
So when I watched Kill Bill last night, I was so mad. I loved this movie. It was perfect, right up my alley, why hadn’t i watched it?? And I knew why.
This movie came out in 2003.
In 2003, I was in college having the best time of my life. Except I wasn’t.
I was raped in college. On September 11. Early in the morning, probably around 2 or 3. I went to bed that night just wanting to spend the next day in bed watching movies, but we all know what happened.
I swallowed my pain and didn’t tell anyone. Not for quite a few years.
I escaped into movies. I started going through the AFI’s 100 Best Films. That’s what I was doing most nights/weekends folks were going out. It’s where I felt happiest, secure. I remember a friend telling me he had one of his most fun nights ever one night. I told him I had stayed in for the night and watched The Deer Hunter. He told me he was sorry. He felt bad for me. I told him not to be, that’s exactly what I wanted to do.
I had loved Pulp Fiction, loved Reservoir Dogs, loved the style of Tarantino’s films. I’m mad I missed Kill Bill. But if I had seen it when it came out, I'm not sure I would have had the same positive reaction as I did watching it years later.
Something about that time and healing, well escaping (I was 1000% avoiding life), made me want to live in the era of classic films, I was falling in love with film, with the history. I know the AFI list and all lists are kind of bullshit, but it was a good starting point and I started learning about those writers and directors and what influenced them.
But in those years, I wasn’t watching current films. I wanted to be home alone watching films. We didn't have streaming services back then, kids, and I wasn't one to go out to the movies by myself, and I didn't want to be around people all that much. So it was mostly Turner Classic Movies and the library for me. I had a small little TV/VHS combo thing in my little dorm room and I just holed myself up in there and watched Bringing Up Baby and other classics.
I would have loved Kill Bill. I do love Kill Bill. Watching it, a few moments in, I knew this was a new favorite. But I know I love it more now than I could have back then. I'm even more of a film nerd, I have seen so many movies that I see influence Tarantino in this film. Maybe a vengeance movie may have been just what I needed then, but I think life and time and healing has made me appreciate this film more at this time in my life than I would have back then.
I'll write more scholarly shit later, I just came to this realization last night and wanted to share it with my film boos <3